my friend say it so perfectly the other day...it is easy to live your life and just be comfortable, yet not as fullfilling as it is to love and truly love...so freaking true!!!

why is it so hard to love. not the love that we all know, but to love without conditions, to just purely love through it all...dang it is so hard, yet the other option to just be comfortable in my own little world...well that would be much easier, but is that what i have been called to do?  

i suppose this is one of those crossroads in life where we have to choose the direction that we are to live out our lives...a choice that takes some guts.  i am left with only one answer to my own question....truly loving is the only option...otherwise i would just be conforming to the world.  it is about time that we all evaluate what really matters...living for what feels good, or living for what is true!  "the truth shall set you free"!!!!  i am believing that. all of it.

big brother

two nights ago rich and i came inside after our nightly chat....i went to make sure the kids were tucked in...

i go into liam's room, and he's not in there, i can hear him talking..

so, i peeked into estella's room and liam is in the crib with her reading her a story.

she was half asleep looking around like what the heck is going on...hilarious.

liam says, "I was just reading stella a story mommy, so she could go to sleep"

oh my, i love him so...what a sweet big brother he his.

thank God the crib didn't collapse. hehe

it's been awhile...

well, it has been awhile hasn't it???  i feel like i am walking on new ground...everything that was..isn't, and everything that wasn't is.  there has been a new beginning to something that has been old and rotting...excitement, fear, courage for every day, and hope for a brighter tomorrow.  details are of no importance, what has happened needed to happen, even though it hurts like hell.  why is that??  it seems like everything has to fall apart before it can be fixed to what it was supposed to be from the very beginning.  this is a path many have taken, some maybe haven't made it all the way through...i am hoping not to be one of those...the reality that you can't have everything without busting your butt for it has set in...however, busting my butt seems all too familiar... i am hoping that this process is gradual and easy to bare, yet i know in my heart that it will be hard.  God has a way of showing up in the strangest situations...He has created a new heart in me, and i am excited to see what each day brings...a little scared too.(i'm not gonna lie)  loving, the way God has intending me to love....ouch, this is hard, yet loving the way i've known hasn't done much for me...just heartache, and pain.  Maybe that is why we need Jesus so much...to show us that the only way to love purely, and truly, is by loving the way God loves...no expectation, no requirements, just good old, pure love.  i have read so much on this "love" and i thought I knew what it was all about...i am learning that i have been totally clueless. and that the only way i will ever have true joy, and peace, is by accepting this amazing love and living it out in my own life.  i suppose it took everything being ripped out from under me to realize that my own love wasn't enough, and never would be enough. lean not on your own understanding...that has been ringing through my head for months....i thought i knew, i thought i understood, i thought that i loved... man was i totally off....it not about me, and what i can do, it's about Jesus in my heart, and walking it out the way he did...pure, holy, God breathed love!  wow, was i way off.  one would think, and even assume that growing up in church i would know this stuff...nope, i have been trying all this time to do it all in my own understanding....when are we gonna realize that it's not about us??? it's about Him!!!  so, that is where i am at... a new beginning, a transformation!!  i am embracing this one, and going all out!  look out folks, i might just might get a little crazy on ya... well, i have always been a little strange. hehe.

new life

i had the amazing priviledge of attending a good friends birth today!!!  AMAZING!!!!   Watching the miracle of life coming into this world, what a gift from above....it was like heavens doors swung open and sent down a little angel...my friend, amanda, did it all natural...and she did it well.  i was blown away at her courage,and strength even up to the very end...she and her hubby welcomed daughter #3, still no name, but she is welcomed by two big sisters, and she is absolutely beautiful...we knew she would be.  how could we not acknowledge that God designed us so intricately...the fact that a woman can carry a life inside and then push it out...and there is another human being..it still blows my mind.  wow!  it was really awesome to be at the other end of things for a change... i never realized how much work it was...when you are in labor everything just seems to blur around you...it was definently a miracle to say the least.  anywho, life, what a precious thing it truly is... and new life...in every sense of the word is absolutely beautiful!

jumping on the band wagon

so i recently started a facebook page... i love it!!  it is really cool to see old friends and see their families, so much has changed in such a short time in all of our lives, yet the connection remains....usually i am anti technology stuff, however i may be coming around...after all, it is wonderful to be able to talk to people i haven't seen in ages and see where they are at now....so ya, i guess i am getting sucked in a little bit...don't tell. hehe. its fun you should try it.

my little guy

liam had his first day of school this week...only one day because of tropical storm fay...however he absolutely loved it....  i made him a big breakfast (brain food)  as we were getting ready to leave, i drew a red heart on his hand and told him that if he got sad or missed me to look down at the heart and know that i loved him and was thinking of him, he insisted that i had a heart on my hand too, ofcourse i drew one, and i cried.... my little guy is growing up so fast.  he is such a blessing to my life and my day was spent missing him terribly.  here we go, the beginning of a new chapter in his life...on of many, i know, yet he is still my baby and will be forever.  pics coming soon.

i wonder sometimes

So, I wonder sometimes how we allow the little things to distract us from the big picture.... I know that I do...all the time.  It is hard to stay focused when everything around me is crazy and off beat to what I am used to.  the goal is and would be to be myself through it all, but i must confess that i allow those little things to throw me for a loop.  is life really as complicated as we make it out to be, or do we just cause all the choas ourselves???  I definently wonder sometimes.  i desire to come to a place where I can just be me, and all that is going on around me can only make me stronger, more of who I am supposed to be.  I don't want to fight it....I see so many people struggling to keep it all together, for what???  sometimes it is good to just have a melt down, and shut off.  If we didn't then we would be bottled up messes.  i am so thankful to have my family who always keeps it real, even in the midst of craziness, they remind me to just go with it, we all loose it, we all get frustrated, but we have to learn to love through it.  At the end of the day is really is all about the love.  love you all.

image vs. reality

I got together with some friends that I haven't talked to in awhile, we got caught up and got to talking and my one friend apologized for being so heavy....I stopped her and thanked her for being so real.  It is so refreshing to have real conversation. I can't tell you how awesome it is to hear other people's hearts, and experiences with life.  Not only is it a reminder of how much I despise fakeness and idle chatter but, it is such a faith builder.  Nothing like a personal encounter with truth to get your blood pumping and your heart feeling.  I know a lot of times people are polite by just saying the "good" stuff, but lets be honest with ourselves...does everyone really have a picture perfect life, marriage, relationships...NO!!  I walked away from our coffee night feeling refreshed, encouraged and challenged. I know that if God can part seas, heal sick, and raise the dead, than He is perfectly capable of restoring friendships, marriages, and family ties. If I didn't believe that then why bother believing in it at all.  I was totally reminded that we as individuals cannot live in peace or freedom until we accept that He can gives that very thing.  It seems so simple yet all around me are broken families, long lost friends, marriages on the outs, and mom pretending that they've got it all together.  Who are we kidding??  Why is it so hard to accept that we can't do it all?  My heart goes out to those who think they can handle it themselves... I used to think that I could handle it all by myself until just about everything blew up in my face, literally...Now, I am just trying to make it work, trying to live by His understanding not my own, trying to be real.  I am so human its not funny, i mess up, say the wrong thing, react unlovingingly, yep all of it, i am aware and I am trying to figure out how Jesus did it all without pulling a nutty. I won't give up... and on that note, once again I am challenged to be less of what I think I should be and more of what He wants me to become.  I know that life will throw a lot more crazy turns my way, but I have to believe that someone is rooting for me; otherwise what is the point.  to all my girls (you know who you are) thanks for always keeping it real... even when it is heavy.  love you mean it.  I hope that God gives everyone someone in their life that is always real and honest about life... it is such a blessing and it truly makes life so much better, ya know.  Even though the image of what we want people to see is better and more pleasing, and much easier to maintain...how about just letting that go and really, really being true to who we are, and what we are.  Something to think about????

hello

Well, if you are reading this you already know who I am, so no introductions necessary... I used to journal all the time, however, the last few years,and two kids later, I don't get around to it much... i miss jotting down my thougts, and feeling closure to a days worth of thoughts. I don't get to share with most of you where my heart is at these days, so I figured this would be a nice way to do that yaknow....It's almost 1 am and Estella finally fell asleep, Ishould be getting in bed, but it is finally me time, how can i resist.... Being a mom is my world these days, yet I can't help but feel like I get lost in all of it.  There is so much more to me, and I don't want to forget that part of who I am.  Rich, i love him so and he really deals with the brunt of my crazy days, thank God for him and the love that he has for me, I am not sure if I would be where I am at without him.  Lately the most of my thinking leans toward Liam and Estella, and how I can give them a just world to live in... yet I know that I can't change the status of the world, so hopefully I can teach them to see god's beauty amist all the junk.  My heart longs for change yet I know even with the up and coming election the changes won't be enough.... it is so crazy how becomming a parent changes your thinking.  I don't think we ever realized the intesity of bringing life into this world would be.  So that is that.  This world we live in is nuts, and I just want to make it better.  My heart yearns for change, for freedom of religion, and freedom of all that the world makes to be sooo important.  I don't care what anyone thinks.... and I will try my best to make sense of what I've got.  I can't wait to share more of the craziness that goes on in my head.  love you all. be blessed. L