it's been awhile...

well, it has been awhile hasn't it???  i feel like i am walking on new ground...everything that was..isn't, and everything that wasn't is.  there has been a new beginning to something that has been old and rotting...excitement, fear, courage for every day, and hope for a brighter tomorrow.  details are of no importance, what has happened needed to happen, even though it hurts like hell.  why is that??  it seems like everything has to fall apart before it can be fixed to what it was supposed to be from the very beginning.  this is a path many have taken, some maybe haven't made it all the way through...i am hoping not to be one of those...the reality that you can't have everything without busting your butt for it has set in...however, busting my butt seems all too familiar... i am hoping that this process is gradual and easy to bare, yet i know in my heart that it will be hard.  God has a way of showing up in the strangest situations...He has created a new heart in me, and i am excited to see what each day brings...a little scared too.(i'm not gonna lie)  loving, the way God has intending me to love....ouch, this is hard, yet loving the way i've known hasn't done much for me...just heartache, and pain.  Maybe that is why we need Jesus so much...to show us that the only way to love purely, and truly, is by loving the way God loves...no expectation, no requirements, just good old, pure love.  i have read so much on this "love" and i thought I knew what it was all about...i am learning that i have been totally clueless. and that the only way i will ever have true joy, and peace, is by accepting this amazing love and living it out in my own life.  i suppose it took everything being ripped out from under me to realize that my own love wasn't enough, and never would be enough. lean not on your own understanding...that has been ringing through my head for months....i thought i knew, i thought i understood, i thought that i loved... man was i totally off....it not about me, and what i can do, it's about Jesus in my heart, and walking it out the way he did...pure, holy, God breathed love!  wow, was i way off.  one would think, and even assume that growing up in church i would know this stuff...nope, i have been trying all this time to do it all in my own understanding....when are we gonna realize that it's not about us??? it's about Him!!!  so, that is where i am at... a new beginning, a transformation!!  i am embracing this one, and going all out!  look out folks, i might just might get a little crazy on ya... well, i have always been a little strange. hehe.