life just is what it is....

one day you wake up and everything that was isn't, now is not, and there is only the drive to see what lays ahead.  i never imagined life being what it is. never knew how hard it would be, how much pain i would feel, how much hope i would have to see things change, how much courage to endure, and strength to not completely fall apart.  i yearn for freedom, for truth, for a just world...i feel stuck in the middle of a crazy whirlwind...  am i my biggest obstacle? have i always been standing in my own way?  so many questions, not enough answers...things fall into place, start to make sense, but is that enough?  is that true freedom?  transformation, a new heart, a new mind, new strength, new hope, new peace, new joy, new freedom...its overwhelming...but at the end of the day, it is what it is. there is no turning back, no running away. take it and go with it. see what God is going to do. that is that.

my friend say it so perfectly the other day...it is easy to live your life and just be comfortable, yet not as fullfilling as it is to love and truly love...so freaking true!!!

why is it so hard to love. not the love that we all know, but to love without conditions, to just purely love through it all...dang it is so hard, yet the other option to just be comfortable in my own little world...well that would be much easier, but is that what i have been called to do?  

i suppose this is one of those crossroads in life where we have to choose the direction that we are to live out our lives...a choice that takes some guts.  i am left with only one answer to my own question....truly loving is the only option...otherwise i would just be conforming to the world.  it is about time that we all evaluate what really matters...living for what feels good, or living for what is true!  "the truth shall set you free"!!!!  i am believing that. all of it.

big brother

two nights ago rich and i came inside after our nightly chat....i went to make sure the kids were tucked in...

i go into liam's room, and he's not in there, i can hear him talking..

so, i peeked into estella's room and liam is in the crib with her reading her a story.

she was half asleep looking around like what the heck is going on...hilarious.

liam says, "I was just reading stella a story mommy, so she could go to sleep"

oh my, i love him so...what a sweet big brother he his.

thank God the crib didn't collapse. hehe

it's been awhile...

well, it has been awhile hasn't it???  i feel like i am walking on new ground...everything that was..isn't, and everything that wasn't is.  there has been a new beginning to something that has been old and rotting...excitement, fear, courage for every day, and hope for a brighter tomorrow.  details are of no importance, what has happened needed to happen, even though it hurts like hell.  why is that??  it seems like everything has to fall apart before it can be fixed to what it was supposed to be from the very beginning.  this is a path many have taken, some maybe haven't made it all the way through...i am hoping not to be one of those...the reality that you can't have everything without busting your butt for it has set in...however, busting my butt seems all too familiar... i am hoping that this process is gradual and easy to bare, yet i know in my heart that it will be hard.  God has a way of showing up in the strangest situations...He has created a new heart in me, and i am excited to see what each day brings...a little scared too.(i'm not gonna lie)  loving, the way God has intending me to love....ouch, this is hard, yet loving the way i've known hasn't done much for me...just heartache, and pain.  Maybe that is why we need Jesus so much...to show us that the only way to love purely, and truly, is by loving the way God loves...no expectation, no requirements, just good old, pure love.  i have read so much on this "love" and i thought I knew what it was all about...i am learning that i have been totally clueless. and that the only way i will ever have true joy, and peace, is by accepting this amazing love and living it out in my own life.  i suppose it took everything being ripped out from under me to realize that my own love wasn't enough, and never would be enough. lean not on your own understanding...that has been ringing through my head for months....i thought i knew, i thought i understood, i thought that i loved... man was i totally off....it not about me, and what i can do, it's about Jesus in my heart, and walking it out the way he did...pure, holy, God breathed love!  wow, was i way off.  one would think, and even assume that growing up in church i would know this stuff...nope, i have been trying all this time to do it all in my own understanding....when are we gonna realize that it's not about us??? it's about Him!!!  so, that is where i am at... a new beginning, a transformation!!  i am embracing this one, and going all out!  look out folks, i might just might get a little crazy on ya... well, i have always been a little strange. hehe.

new life

i had the amazing priviledge of attending a good friends birth today!!!  AMAZING!!!!   Watching the miracle of life coming into this world, what a gift from above....it was like heavens doors swung open and sent down a little angel...my friend, amanda, did it all natural...and she did it well.  i was blown away at her courage,and strength even up to the very end...she and her hubby welcomed daughter #3, still no name, but she is welcomed by two big sisters, and she is absolutely beautiful...we knew she would be.  how could we not acknowledge that God designed us so intricately...the fact that a woman can carry a life inside and then push it out...and there is another human being..it still blows my mind.  wow!  it was really awesome to be at the other end of things for a change... i never realized how much work it was...when you are in labor everything just seems to blur around you...it was definently a miracle to say the least.  anywho, life, what a precious thing it truly is... and new life...in every sense of the word is absolutely beautiful!

jumping on the band wagon

so i recently started a facebook page... i love it!!  it is really cool to see old friends and see their families, so much has changed in such a short time in all of our lives, yet the connection remains....usually i am anti technology stuff, however i may be coming around...after all, it is wonderful to be able to talk to people i haven't seen in ages and see where they are at now....so ya, i guess i am getting sucked in a little bit...don't tell. hehe. its fun you should try it.

my little guy

liam had his first day of school this week...only one day because of tropical storm fay...however he absolutely loved it....  i made him a big breakfast (brain food)  as we were getting ready to leave, i drew a red heart on his hand and told him that if he got sad or missed me to look down at the heart and know that i loved him and was thinking of him, he insisted that i had a heart on my hand too, ofcourse i drew one, and i cried.... my little guy is growing up so fast.  he is such a blessing to my life and my day was spent missing him terribly.  here we go, the beginning of a new chapter in his life...on of many, i know, yet he is still my baby and will be forever.  pics coming soon.